전공과제인데요. 에세이 첨삭해주실 분이 없어서 여기라도 올립니다 ㅠㅠ
주제는
what discovery in the last 100 years have been most beneficial for people in your country?
인데요.. 외국인 교수님이 두번째 paragraph(데모크라시 부분)은 good 이라고 하셨는데 세번째 paragraph 을 많이 혼나서
결국 다시 썼어요. 라이팅이 주관적이긴 하지만, 지금 제 라이팅을 봐주실만한 분을 찾습니다.
특히 organization, coherency 이런 부분에서요..
아니면 관사같은 문법적 오류라도 부탁드릴께요.. ㅠㅠ
two reasons why television has been most beneficial for people in korea
one of my friends once told me “television is the discovery that has been most beneficial for people in korea.” when i asked him why, he said “television has improved democracy in korea, and has made korean people feel united.” and i also agree with him. the reason why i think that television has been most beneficial for people in korea is that it has contributed to democracy in korea, and has helped korean people to become close-knit.
television has contributed to democracy in korea. the reason for this is that television delivers the political news to people. when korea was governed by dictators in 60s, 70s, and 80s, the news on the tv showed demonstrations against the dictatorships. those watching the news were influenced by the demonstrators on tv, so they joined the demonstrators, hoping for a change to a democratic government in korea. in this way, television was a catalyst, causing more people to fight for democracy, and each time the fight for democracy has been repeated, korea has become more democratic. therefore, people in korea now live in one of the most democratic countries in the world.
in addition, television has helped korean people to become close-knit. one reason for this is that in the past, everyone in village used to gather at the village hall and watched tv together. in 60s, 70s, tv was very expensive, so everyone in village collected money to buy one tv, and put it at the village hall. every night, all the villagers used to get together in the village hall to watch tv, and they all laughed and chat together while watching it. as gathering had been repeated every night, they met other villagers more often, so they got closer to each other. therefore, all the villagers felt that they became one family. the other reason is that korean people watch soccer games on tv together during the world cup season. every four years, people sit together in front of tv to cheer the korean soccer team in a soccer match with the other nation team. watching tv, they jeer at the opposite team together, and share the joy of victory together when korean team wins the game. likewise, television gathers people under the purpose of watching soccer game together during the world cup season, and the more frequently they cheer the korean team together, the more solidary they feel as one nation. therefore, korean people feel more united.
john logie baird, who invented the first color television, said “television will be most beneficial for people in the world”. this is applied to korean people, too. not only has television helped to cause democracy in korea, but also it has united people in korea. therefore, television has been most advantageous to people in kple in korea.
(words 479)
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